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12:07 a.m. - 2003-10-12
Family Ties
I was supposed to go for an interview this morning. Didn't make it because my tummy was turning over and over. Three hours of travel time on the train probably wouldn't have been doable. Don't know if it was nerves or what, but I had a major migraine too, that was likely the physical cause.

Just as well I guess. I called and left a message asking to reschedule, but there wasn't anyone in the office at that time. Just after, number one son called and asked if he and the babies could come spend the day with us. He seemed a bit stressed so I said fine. I love the babies, but they demand a lot of physical energy from one. I didn't really think I had any, but when you're a parent you can always pull that last bit of energy from somewhere to deal with problems. Turned out their washer and dryer weren't working and there was a weeks' worth of laundry to do. Nine loads and twelve hours later it was done. In the meantime, continuous supervision of babies and kittens was necessary, running up and downstairs constantly. Seemed just like old times when my guys were little - how did I find all that energy then?

The babies and the kittens like each other, but neither group is all that socially aware yet. The kittens loved the access they had to all the toys scattered about. The noise level was incredible with all the playing going on, but it was a happy din. Two light meals, not so bad - we did buffet. On the TV the "Scooby Do" movie, then the Scooby Do series, then Batman 2, followed by the Spiderman series to round things out. My sons played a computer game together. One of the babies left a door to the outside open accidentally and Miss Kitty headed for the wide blue yonder. I had seen the source of the howling fit she had the other day early this morning. A massive, dirty-gold male cat closer to the size of a small cougar. He has taken to sitting just outside where Miss Kitty would deem him in her territory. I don't know if she was going to tell him off or to spend time playing with a couple of her buddies who visit the stoop regularly, but she was back within a couple of hours looking anxiously for her kittens. So the day ended happily for everyone.

During that time I got a call from number two son just finalizing the details for Thanksgiving dinner on Monday. In the course of the discussion he started to talk about the trouble in P's family which may have been more the purpose of the call anyway. Seems the fundamentalist Aunty had convinced P's brother from Hong Kong that P was a bad influence on her parents. Together they talked to P's Mom. The result has been some sort of ostracism. A lot of that has to do with my son too, because he isn't Chinese or a fundamentalist Christian. The two together are unacceptable to her Aunty - racists and bigots exist in all cultures. In fact, some of the intra-racial hatred I have witnessed in my own communities, which are about 40% New Canadian, is absolutely vicious. Now the trouble particularly in this case, is that for the past decade P is the only one who has been available and has taken care of her parents. This is the first time the brother has been back in nearly a decade. Since my son met her, they have spent nearly every weekend looking after her folks and have done it gladly. Now this. I noted to my son that the behaviour pattern is quite common in families of all cultures - death is death.

The grief process doesn't vary much - denial, bargaining, anger, pain and eventually, acceptance. During the anger and pain cycle, it is not uncommon to see one or some of the family scapegoated. Usually the attackers are the ones who were jealous of the relationship their victim had with the deceased (P was very close to her Father)or they are the ones who feel considerable guilt because they had not been doing their part to keep their relationship with the departed as it should be, for any number of reasons. I suggested to my son, based on my own experiences with some of my ex's family who were very nasty right from the get go, that just withdrawing from contact for a while might be best. If someone is determined to pick a fight with you, you just don't give them the opportunity to engage you. That's very hurtful too. P needs and deserves the comfort that a family should give each other at such a time, but the bottom line is that she not only isn't going to be comforted, she is going to be verbally roasted. She deserves better. However, in twenty years of trying - withdrawal from any contact was the only thing I found worked for me. Maybe her family will be more functional over time, but for now she has a right to look after herself first and let the rest of the family face their own demons without them projecting them onto her and my son.

Next up was a call from the mom I've asked to be my data room supervisor during the next election. She was wanting know if there was a chance of the event being called before Christmas. She's trying to set her budget for that. It's not so hard now that my guys are older, but when they were younger like some of her children still are every single penny has to be counted and accounted for many times over. No matter how hard one tries to reduce the commercialism of the event, with our society the way it is, it is difficult to avoid all the economic pressure a family feels. For one thing prices on anything even remotely connected with the event - food, clothing, craft material, energy prices, entertainment - all seem to-sky rocket come September and keep rising til January. Three of my sons have birthdays in that period which just made it that much more challenging to manage the budgeting. Lucky I had a Grandmother and Mother who lived through the Depression and were Scots to boot. I can make a penny scream in agony before it leaves my wallet, if I have to. I know the Mom in question has the same skills. We chatted a bit about the change in boundaries to our constituency and what that will mean for her workload. We also discussed a potential boost in responsibility for a couple of the other people who worked for me last time. She will be assigned an assistant, so I need to know who of those I've tapped she would find the most compatible to mentor. I think we worked that out.

Just finished stair climbing and clearing out the disarray from the days events - I think I'll sleep fairly deeply tonight. Hope so anyway. Good night dear diary.

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