12:45 a.m. - 2003-09-24
Wry Curse
I went out with two of my sisters and my Dad yesterday. I try to fit in family time whenever the opportunity arises. I found myself really out of sorts though and it took a while to figure it out. My sisters wanted to go shopping for things for their homes. Fair enough, I guess. I often window shop when I'm working downtown. I don't buy much, because even when I'm working I don't have much left over after the bills are paid.
However, I do enjoy looking at things that are well made or unique. I tend to go to "Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppes" or stores that are full of eclectic art pieces or goods from around the world or are full of books and music. I don't go with any intent of acquisition or consumption. I know - I'm the bane of marketers and store buyers.
When we went to the furniture store, however, it was all about buying and worse, it was by committee. I take no pleasure in that, I've always felt people should decorate their home or sanctuary according to their own tastes; not to please others. Wandering off among the aisle just to look wasn't really well received. When I stopped to admire the clever construction of something, I was greeted with a chorus of "Buy it, buy it". Nice as the intentions may have been, I still haven't found another contract and I don't spend any more than I have to when I'm not earning money. Its hard enough not knowing when the bank account will stop hemorrhaging without that. Nor is the offer to lend me money for frills helpful. I know it was well intended, but the last stressor I need is to go into debt. It's the one that bothers me the most.
When we stopped off for lunch - the sister that got the Cher ticket paid for mine - the chatter was still all about spending. On retirement homes and holidays, things for the house, and entertaining friends. I don't begrudge my sisters their good fortune, but I would rather be at a gathering where, once in a while, I can contribute to the conversation.
I did bring up Thanksgiving because I wanted to know what I should bring and where and when. Takes a while to track down all my guys sometimes to let them know. Well, since I brought it up why didn't I choose what I'd like to bring? I haven't brought any major dishes for the last few, so I said I'd bring the turkey this time. Looks were exchanged between the others and 'no not that' was the response. Well how about....? "No not that". Can't you bring cheesecake? well fine no problem, but then why offer me a choice. I know - a little whine with my cheese. Actually, it was a dish of shrimp and scallops with a side of barley soup - yum!
When I got home I felt better. Coincidentally or not, the weekly horoscope from my favorite astrologer, Kramer, was waiting for me. The gist of the message was to be careful what I wish for - did I really want all the real time problems that would go with it. I don't know. What I'd really like is a job that I enjoy and that pays enough so I can pay all the bills, and treat myself and the boys once in a while without worrying. I'd also like to be able to be proud of what I do. I know I could make a lot more cash, if I was willing to be as unethical as a lot of the people I've run into in the past decade. The offer has been extended to join them more than once. The point has been made to me in a number of conversations that I shouldn't be so picky, that if someone else is telling me to do something shady it isn't my responsibility to challenge them - just do it because I'm told. Next the converstion usually swings around to "well see you haven't even been able to put anything away for the future - you have to do what you have to do in the business world to get ahead".
Given that I've managed to raise six sons on my own without help I think I've actually done very well. What I have to show for my life is a healthy family and a healthy community because of the volunteer work I've done. Most of the criticism about money comes from people where there have been two adults in the family - if I'd been able to clone myself I would have done just as well. Of course next the counsel always becomes - find a man! I don't want to latch onto some poor slob for the extra wallet. I don't think that's ethical - I've watched a friend's live-in and I don't have any respect for her at all. She slowly moved her family in with him too and he was expected to help support them, as well bankroll all her "business ventures" that failed utterly. He paid her way through university; then she took off with his car, their home, and his best friend. I haven't even heard a country and western song that bad. Ditto for my Dad's Dad - the woman even took his pension cheques away from him when he was sick, so she could go and gamble them away at the track. I know I wouldn't do any of that, but even agreeing to a relationship where interests aren't the same - and I admit mine are unusual - doesn't seem right. One of my friends commented that the point is just to ignore each other and do your own thing. Why bother then?
I think I'll stick with what I've got and be thankful for all the good things I have in my life - my sons and grandbabies, the internet and my friends, music, movies and my little home, cats and good books. Speaking of which, dear diary, since we're coming close to the final installment of "Lord of the Rings" you may find snippets of it recorded in the next posts - just to set the mood you know.
In keeping with "be careful what you wish for" this speech from Boromir (one of the humans included in the fellowship of the ring) as he tries to take the ring of power from our hero Frodo:
"For you seem ever to think only of its power in the hands of the Enemy: of its evil uses not of its good. The world is changing, you say. Minas Tirith will fall, if the ring lasts. But why? Certainly, if the ring were with the Enemy. But why, if it were with us?"
"Were you not at the Council?", answered Frodo. "Because we cannot use it, and what is done with it turns to evil."
Boromir got up and walked about impatiently. "So you go on," he cried, " Gandalf, Elrond - all these folks have taught you to say so. For themselves they may be right. These elves and half-elves and wizards, they would come to grief perhaps. Yet often I doubt if they are wise and not merely timid. But each to his own kind. True-hearted Men, they will not be corrupted. We of Minas Tirith have been staunch through long years of trial. We do not desire the power of wizard-lords, only strength to defend ourselves, strength in a Just Cause. And behold! in our need, chance brings to light the Ring of Power. It is a gift, I say; a gift to the foes of Mordor. It is mad not to use it, to use the power of the Enemy against him. The fearless, the ruthless, these alone will achieve victory. What could not a warrior do in this hour, a great leader? What could not Aragorn do? Or if he refuses, why not Boromir? The Ring would give me power of Command. How I would drive the hosts of Mordor, and all men would flock to my banner!"
Boromir strode up and down, speaking ever more loudly. Almost he seemed to have forgotten Frodo, while his talk dwelt on walls and weapons, and the mustering of men: and he drew plans for great alliances and glorious victories to be: and he cast down Mordor, and became himself a mighty king, benevolent and wise. Suddenly he stopped and waved his arms.
"And they tell us to throw it away!" he cried, "I do not say destroy it. That might be well, if reason showed any hope of doing so. It does not. The only plan that is proposed to us is that a halfling should walk blindly into Mordor and offer the Enemy every chance of recapturing it for himself. Folly!......
"It is by our own folly that the Enemy will defeat us!" cried Boromir, "How it angers me! Fool! Obstinate fool! Running wilfully to death and ruining our cause. If any mortals have claim to the Ring, it is the men of Numenor, and not Halflings. It is not yours save by unhappy chance. It might have been mine. It should have been mine. Give it to me!"
Frodo did not answer, but moved away until the great flat stone was between them. "Come, come, my friend!" said Boromir in a softer voice, "Why not get rid of it? Why not be free of your doubt and fear? You can lay the blame on me, if you will. You can say that I was too strong and took it by force. For I am too strong for you, halfling," he cried; and suddenly he sprang over the stone and leaped at Frodo. His fair and pleasant face was hideously changed; a raging fire was in his eyes.
Frodo dodged aside and again put the stone between them. There was only one thing he could do: trembling he pulled out the Ring upon its chain and quickly slipped it on his finger, even as Boromir leaped at him again. The Man gasped, stared for a moment amazed, and then ran wildly about, seeking here and there among the rocks and trees.
"Miserable Trickster!" he shouted, "Let me get my hands on you! Now I see your mind. You will take the Ring to Sauron and sell us all. You have only waited your chance to leave us all in the lurch. Curse you and all Halflings to death and darkness!"
From "The Fellowship of the Ring" by JRR Tolkien, Chapter 10 - The Breaking of the Fellowship; pp 517 - 519.
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