11:44 a.m. - 2003-05-05
Dreamtime
Cinco de Mayo. I didn't go to work today because the meds are still overwhelming my body. Just woke from a long series of fevered dreams and thought I would record them before they dissipate. Had a shower first to wash away some of the achiness. I don't understand human nature sometimes - even my own. I shaved my legs while showering, because it is a long standing habit. It isn't as if my legs are ever visible; shorts around the house, yes, but long skirts the weekdays and jeans on weekends.
Why long skirts at work? Well there's this double whammy thrown at single moms in the industry I work in. If the welfare mom aspersion isn't being thrown at you - as in you deserve whatever treatment we dish out because you are lower than us caste-wise and besides you can't defend yourself since you are at our mercy financially - it is the "well you know she's just looking for a man" syndrome. Like I need more responsibilities or more demands on my time on my plate. I can shut down the first comment fairly quickly because I've never accepted any assistance and I just ask how many of them have raised six sons on their own - no help. The other one is more difficult because everything you do or say is somehow twisted around to support that belief. The long skirts, big baggy sweaters, no makeup and a plain ponytail I wear everyday to work are the best defense I've found. Some of my tighter skirts do have slits in them - to just above the knee - so that I can dig around in boxes or get down to the lowest shelves in a library but that is still a lot less leg showing than anyone else. Guess I do it (shaving my legs) for the same reason I wear silks, lace or satins under my workaday gear where it doesn't show. I can still feel feminine without having to deal with other peoples' head games. Why am I talking about this now? Well it featured in the dreams at one point.
First I was at an elementary school I didn't recognize, but which seemed to be where at least some of my sons were attending. A large park-like setting surrounded the school. I was standing outside with two other moms who seemed to have a "best friend - worst enemy" relationship going on. They were just moving from the best friend to worst enemy personas and one decided to try and drag me into her plan of attack. She was arguing with the other mom about the best parenting approach to a problem with one of her children. She turned and demanded to know what I would do. Since it had to do with getting homework done on time, I just said I would try to form an alliance with whichever childs' teacher was involved so that there was a united front between home and school - no wiggle room for the slacker. As I said that the face of a male - who I knew to be the teacher of the son I was thinking about - came into my mind. As that occurred, the woman who had asked the question went into a tirade about single moms like me who would use any excuse to get a man. The other woman just cut her off and noted that she was just angry because I had given support to her advice over the other woman's "solution". Truth was the other mom was just looking for an excuse and validation to blame her childs' teacher for everything wrong in her life. Both of us weren't going to allow her to do that through us.
Anyway, it was lunchtime and it appeared the children were staying for some special event or another. The three of us got into the car of the woman who had defended my character and headed toward our home community several miles away. On the way, along the main drag in town, there was a German style brew house. The other women wanted to stop there to pick up what appeared to be their favorite meals. Something to do with cabbage, bratwurst, rice and hamburger, beer on the side. I said I would wait in the car, since the place was known as a taphouse that was really rowdy - where a lot of single males and married ones on the prowl hung out. Women didn't usually go in there unless they were "available" one way or another. Interesting it was the woman who did the "single mom" tirade who was insisting she had to go inside.
As I was sitting in the car waiting the landscape of the dream changed. Suddenly, I was in a mall of some description. There were the plus 15's I've mentioned before linking different buildings together overhead, but there were also street level and underground passageways between the same buildings too.
Suddenly one of the young women I ride with on the bus from time to time came up to me and asked if I wanted to have lunch with her. She said she wanted to talk with me, over lunch, so she would know how I was going to choose the names for my children. It was as though she thought I was pregnant. I didn't dare check - don't need that now, even if it is only in dreams. Suddenly it was as if there was some kind of projector showing various pre-packaged meals available, this time the restaurant setting seemed to be Alpine - really alpine out in a high mountain meadow on a mountain somewhere far removed from the city. Most of the products contained wild game of one descrition or another. There was buffalo, rabbit and venison for example. I declined any choice. I'm not Vegan or Vegetarian, but I usually get most my protein from, eggs, cheese, nuts, fish and a bit of chicken. My body doesn't deal with anything else very well - apparently, not in dreams either. I stepped into the meadow. I wanted very much to just stay there and explore the pathways I could see into the forest.
Found myself transported back to the mall instead though. I turned and walked through one of the linking passageways between buildings. Up a set of stairs that seemed to be suspended between two floors of another building. A bit of a plaza created there complete with tables and again a restaurant - this time cafeteria style. One wall of the plaza was made of cinderblocks painted a soft canary yellow , blending into blocks that were ecru - "old lace" coloured. Paintings and 3D images began to emerge but I was told I had to "paint" the colours of the four directions around them in a specific pattern if I wanted to see them clearly and allow their message to emerge. I could hear drums starting to beat - heartbeat, like at a powwow or in the jungle. Suddenly my aboriginal friend appeared and said the messages were meant for her - they were about her son who was killed last August. A time emerged next to a painting of the mountain I had just visited in the Alpine restaurant beside the colours I had painted to represent the four directions. It said 11:40 AM. The next image was the one of the 3D mountain - cold and remote, looking like it might be in the Himalayas or along the Tien Shan range. Different pattern and colours required to represent the directions this time. I started to "paint" them (I simply put my hand up to the wall and thought the pattern and colours into existence that were necessary) but my friend grabbed my hand and told me to stop. She didn't want the process to go any farther right then although I think there were three more images waiting to emerge in their entirety. The time that appeared beside the 3D image said 1:00 PM - I think.
Then I awoke. Very powerful the last part and strange because it was very real - lucid dreams where my friend and I exchanged a lot of "talk" beween us although no words were spoken. I don't recall most of it, but from past experience it is likely the words will emerge when the timing is right for them.
Beats the fever dream I had last night though. Strange house then surrounded by a high hedge of cotoneaster or honeysuckle - a little wild and unkempt - but I was told it was my home, and my sons were inside. Bigger than my current home but isolated in a small community. A mongrel of some description - at least part poodle but with some other blood mixed in giving it big sharp teeth - "guarding" the home. It was friendly enough but I was a little afraid of the teeth. The home itself was roomy but quite plainly furnished, my sons seemed content so I entered. Then that dream ended. Don't know what to make of any of it - maybe just the fever talking.
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