7:07 p.m. - 2003-03-13
Weighing in
In astrology, Mercury retrograde � the planet appears to move backward - usually means that communication and electronic equipment go awry. I know that isn�t the case right now, but there must be something very similar happening in the heavens right now. First there were the server problems at Diaryland itself. I really admire the operator of the site. It�s a great service and I can�t believe there are actually people who complain about so many things. First it is free, or nearly so, and it does the job, provides for journaling, well. Be grateful that it is there for you, or set up your own system if you think you can do better.
Next, buses and trains breaking down daily the past week have made the morning commute a real challenge. The upside, is the increase in comraderie it fosters among fellow travelers whether by trying to help in some way or simply by commiserating with those who have really been challenged by the extra problems. One woman seemed to have lost her winter coat � not a laughing matter. To top it off, besides being bitterly cold, she missed her connector bus because of the delay. To be able to make it to work on time it meant taking the train up the escarpment then walking down said ice covered escarpment into the community below. She had twisted her knee last week so double jeopardy described her dilemma. None of us could supply her with a ride but we all tried to help where we could. Not easy some mornings. Met one of the fellows I volunteered with for years on a number of community issues. The delay in travel allowed us to catch up on a lot of issues. It was good to hear that his children were doing well and that a very nice vacation was pending for him. Well deserved.
Then, there was my computer last night. I had to try and write a report for my supervisor last night but it seemed my baby had caught a virus. No matter how many times I rebooted, scanned and what have you, I couldn�t get it working well enough to complete the text properly. Maybe going back to it tonight will improve the presentation today. Hope so.
Number five son was waiting when I arrived home last night. He moved in with his Dad about a year ago. He had been 8 when his father left and hadn�t seen him � by his Dad�s choice � until about 2001. He said he really needed to learn about his father by himself. I don�t think it took him long to understand a lot of things. He seems to be considering going back to post secondary school in the fall and it also appeared that he was testing the waters about returning to live here. I would be happy with that. He has been paying to live with his Dad ever since he moved out. Here he won�t have to pay any rent if he is going to go back to school. I want my sons to have a reasonable shot at having a good life. They need the extra schooling for that.
Work is odd and I just can�t quite figure it out. The PC was let go about a week after T2 returned from holidays. I wondered whether T2 would feel that I had caused the trouble she came back to, especially given the comments from my two supervisors at the data management company about her past behaviour. I didn�t choose the PCs behaviour �she did. Being on the receiving end is bad enough, without worrying whether that will affect one�s relationship with the senior manager in the department. I keep noticing T2 excluding me from a lot of employee related functions. I�m not certain if it because the company has decided it needs a physical presence � me - in the library every hour of the working day, or if it is because she has some other reason to single me out. In the interim, both B and D are going out of their way to include me in their activities. It almost seems to be that they are trying to compensate or reduce the impact on me. Both have expressed concern about my physical welfare, although I don�t think I�m showing much strain yet. Right now, I�m just observing to try and figure out what is truly happening. I do know that further investigation is going on into what the PC was actually doing, and a memo to all employees today noted that there had been some very serious security breaches in other departments dealing with their international activities. The company is taking some positive action to reduce some of the problems and is instructing all employees to do likewise.
T2 also keeps changing my working conditions every few hours. That means it could appear that I�m not completing my assigned priorities quickly enough, even though the time away from task is her decision. At the same time one of the other staff was asking about my status with the data management company. Would I be out of work if this position were terminated? Didn�t really answer her because I don�t know where things stand at this point in time. I know the newly merged companies are preparing to move into new digs next month. I know that a lot of the people that were friends of the VP who left the company in January are not being assigned new work. I don�t know why that is occurring � there are half a dozen possible explanations. I�ve learned never to speculate. It wastes too much energy and often really muddies the water. I�m at a loss but right now. I�m just going to keep my nose to the grindstone so there is no reason to complain that I�m not pulling my weight.
On a positive note, my supervisor called me early in the week to let me know that he had received the material he had requested last week, documenting our work with the last client. He was able to complete his report and submit it. He said he is really swamped and I know how easily time can escape, without being able to connect with all the people one wishes. He is still expressing a great deal of concern about my work situation and some of the observations I have made about some practices here. I appreciate that, but what got me through similar situations in other assignments was the regular talks we had. He always made me feel safe even when circumstances were difficult. There is a meeting with the international staff and B and D on Monday about a lot of the security issues I've referred to. Hopefully, that will reduce some of the problems, but I really miss the psychological and emotional support my supervisor was able to give me - that's necessary too. I guess because I don't feel anchored anywhere, there is a level of anxiety just below the surface of my conscious mind. Guess I'll just have to tough it out.
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