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6:58 p.m. - 2003-02-09
Boundaries
Setting boundaries was a challenge the past few days. Ever since I can remember, all I have wanted to do was have children and look after people. Nursing was my first idea of a career choice, since being a doctor just wasn't something women did when I was small. I was also raised at a time when the social demand for women was to "make nice" and always make the effort to smooth things out in one's environment - the peacemaker. The problem with that personal nature, though, is that it also tends to attract people to you who only want to take as much as they can get or use you, often to your own detriment. Most people I know learned to spot that personality type and set firm boundaries by the end of grade school. It has taken me a lot longer to learn the boundary trick and I'm still not that comfortable with it.

I had a dream last night that involved a social worker I used to work with as a volunteer. She was one of the most verbally subtle and destructive people one could imagine; she exploited everyone - especially her clients, young teens already behind the eight ball. It took a lot of attention to understand what her actual intent was because her words "sounded more fair but felt more foul". She caused a lot of trouble. In the dream she appeared dressed as a Madame of a bordello and was trying to persuade me that I should work on a new project "for the good of the kids" but it was clear she was seeing an opportunity to take advantage of both me and those children that was making her very aggressive. The answer was NO! but it took a lot to get her to leave.

My Metis friend called today. She has lost her housing, due to her own behaviour fuelled by drugs and alcohol. It was obvious she was hoping I would invite her and her daughters to move in with me, but I can't allow that even though it bothers me a great deal to say no. I've already been through that scenario once - trying to make my marriage work for 19 years. The one thing I do know is that it doesn't matter how much you care for someone or how hard you try to help them over an addiction, as long as you give them any excuse to not change - like letting them live with you - they will exploit you until they destroy you if you let them. I said no.

Work wise I'm not certain where the boundaries are either. Friday afternoon, I think everyone was gone from the records center by 3 pm except the lone male consultant and me. Because I work for a records management firm, there is a contract in place which describes the tasks I am to do and the rate at which billing will be allowed per task. I keep very detailed records of time on task to justify any billing. Any deviation can and has caused a great deal of trouble in other contracts. The client often wants the extra service, but won't pay for it and won't allow the timelines for the tasks in the contract to be altered to accommodate the expanded responsibilities. I don't like operating that way, but the alternative isn't very good either.

When I walked through the other file room, that is managed by four other women, there was an employee new to the company trying to find some data. The women had all gone home. I haven't been shown their system or software to do searches and I don't have permission to touch that data. In addition, there is some politics there that I don't understand, but I don't want to become a lightning rod between them and the people in my group, thank you very much. The upshot was that I explained that I didn't know what the protocols for the area were, or where the staff had gone and that I had to leave for my doctor's appointment(the truth)could it wait until Monday? Fortunately, he seemed ok with that. He rode down to the main floor with me and headed for the cafeteria. I hope it didn't mess up his weekend.

Last challenge of the weekend was the problem child I've mentioned before - the one that has been kicked out of three elementary schools. He was at the door several times today demanding admission and phoning constantly in between. The last visit to the door was with one of his buddies and he was full of "attitude" even before I said no. He is one troubling child and I think I'm going to have to set his Mom straight about it. He is not welcome here, until I see radical change both in his and her behaviours.

I feel like such a mean old bat, but I should have learned by now that not everyone can be looked after. Some people are better served by you if you say no and make them take responsibility for themselves.

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