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1:07 p.m. - 2002-12-14
Meditations
Well yesterday was a bit of a test - Friday the Thirteenth and all.

About 2 in the morning my youngest and I were just in the process of putting the babies to bed. Ms Lollipop (our bunny) had been acting oddly for about an hour, but given all the activity in the house the day before with my youngests' birthday party that was to be expected. I was cuddling her and my son was talking to her when suddenly she stiffened and then died. It was so fast that it took us a while to absorb it. Needless to say my son was deeply distressed. I spent the balance of the night on the internet at different pet sites trying to figure out what happened. Doesn't change the fact of death, but when you are responsible for a living creatures' welfare, it matters to know where you erred. None of the sites shed any light on it. The only thing I can think of, is that being that she was teething, she must have bit on an electrical cord. We had pushed all of them out of easy reach, but she was able to jump on the couch and some of our chairs too. The way she died was consistent with how someone who has a heart attack - which is usually why people who are electrocuted die - often passes away too. I know because I worked in our city's major hospital in the rehab department (I had one year of physiotherapy training under my belt by then) while I put my ex through college. I witnessed a few such deaths. No matter what technology is right in front of you, at some point the body simply isn't capable of surviving even with a medical team doing everything they can to bring you back. Anyway, number four and number six son gave her a proper burial in our backyard later in the day. One of the toughest things I had to do, was call number two son and tell him, he was very attached to her and quite frankly, so was I. She was a beautiful, gentle being. I believe animals have souls and I have no doubt her energy is still around us.

Miss Kitty seemed to know what was going on. She too was sitting near Ms Lollipop for about an hour before - even though she had been afraid of that nearness earlier - and she went and hid for a while after. That upset my youngest too but her presence was a balm for him when she finally emerged. It's hard to know how much to talk about death where young people are concerned. To say they don't understand is wrong, because even very young children are very aware of the spirit. I think the analogy about the glove (body) and the hand (spirit)it covers is probably one of the clearest ways to explain the process to them.

The bigger issue is the other emotions that can arise, especially when a death is unexpected and/or under traumatic circumstances. Shortly after my Mom died, I found I had enough money to send sons number four and five on a wilderness challenge field trip sponsored through their junior high. I felt it would be good for them to get away from all the stresses that were in their everyday environment from all the changes that had happened in our family. The activity I was most concerned about was the horseback riding in the mountains. Bears and cougars are always a risk in the back country - moreso with horses - but how far do you go in protecting your children. Every time they get into a car or cross a main traffic artery they are in harm's way. They had a great time on that activity, but when they went canoeing it was a different story. The canoe that was between theirs overturned and one of the girls in it was caught on an underwater snag by her safety gear. My older son ran for help, while the younger one was asked to keep some of the other girls on the field trip safely away from the scene, because they were obviously very distressed. They watched the leaders of the trip struggle to free her, but they couldn't get her loose in time. She died that night in hospital. My older son dealt with the feelings he experienced very well, I think partly because he felt he had done all he could in going for help, and partly because he did not witness the entire sequence of events so did not have flashbacks to cope with. My younger son's personality - at 12 - changed radically. He had thoughts of suicide shortly after and on the anniversary of the incident for the next three years - survivors' guilt, I think. He began to interpret his experiences of life in terms of "it's not fair", and to dwell on the injustice he perceived in every situation and to express a lot of anger. At his age, he was just too vulnerable, and the departure of his Dad, followed shortly after that of his older brother who started his own family, then by the death of my Mom, and then this young girl was just more than he could take in and process. Fortunately, because he was very vocal about how he felt as he felt it, it was possible to help him work through it. He was also very fortunate in that he had a large group of really good friends - both male and female - who were always there for him. All I had to do was call them and they would help where they could. Because some of them were going through their own life challenges in a variety of different ways, there was also a balance where they needed his support and he could feel the benefits of give and take that are necessary in human relationships. All of us as parents in the group worked together behind the scenes. At the age the children were at the time it was necessary to show respect for their autonomy and their right to work through their feelings in the way that best suited their psychological needs. Each human being has a different way of working through grief and anger. A lot of times I think people who get stuck in those processes are ones who haven't, for one reason or another, been able to honour their own inner imperatives.

Me - well it's been a challenging time for quite some years and I've learned to try to accept whatever reality I find myself in and to deal honestly with both the physical situation and my emotions. Anger and avoidance are both destructive more to you than anyone else around you. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes but that is also part of life, isn't it, and often it is what makes us human.

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