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2:04 a.m. - 2002-11-24
Sociology 101
There was a question posed after an article on parenting in a newsletter I receive by e-mail. It was, "why don't most parents seek help or support from informal (friends, family, neighbours) or formal (community, school, public) support networks". The answer was actually contained in the article itself. At one point it noted that ONLY 88% of parents indicated, in a survey, that they taught their children values/ethics. Hmmmm... well let's see then. It is considered a landslide victory if a politician garners 40% of a vote; 50% is considered a passing mark in many courses; 80% is considered an honours level of attainment, but only 88% of parents are achieving one arbitrary standard posited in a survey. Double standards in terms of competence, and just whose standards are those anyway?

Unless a parent is very sure of their skills, seeking outside input often sets one up to fail. Proof? Go to any self-help/parenting section of a library or bookstore. Pull a few of the volumes off the shelf and look for advice on an identical issue - say discipline. Ten books likely equal 12 different points of view ranging from: "spare the rod, spoil the child", to "any restraint on a child's natural expression of it's own nature is a form of abuse". Multiply that by all the tasks required of parents and one has a recipe for self defeat. Our parent councils frequently offered parenting workshops on a variety of issues each year at each level of schooling ECS to grade 12. Normally, most of the parents who attended were the ones who already were competent and self confident and had enough time/support to be there - they were looking for upgrades or enhancements of their skills; the balance of the attendees were the shadow side - people who needed validation so badly, that their idea of a good discussion was to attack or tear everyone else down because it was the only way they felt it "proved" that they were good parents. One parent like that in a workshop or on a council could destroy all the work done by everyone else because they were willing to destroy whatever they had to, to "prove" their point. A lot of very competent parents were driven away from involvement in community support systems like ours after one or two experiences with this type of behavior because the benefits they offered to other children were lost and it took quite a toll on one's own family.

Another issue is access to formal support systems. There was a standing joke among our parent council members that if one wanted formalized help, one needed to know what colour socks were required for each family member that week for the intake interview - it varied on the phase of the moon. The average time from intake, if you got the "sock" question right, to actual help was six months if one was lucky, but more like a year to eighteen months for critical problems. Any one who has raised children probably realizes that that means the original problem had likely sorted itself out by then or had gotten so much worse that another round of intake interviews would be necessary. What was also frustrating - at least in our province - was, and is, that there are diagnostic resources available but either no supporting treatment resources or the ones available don't fit the child - so what's the point. Add in the cost - which was usually financially punishing, and non-engagement becomes the rule.

Another problem is that one rarely can see the clear effect of their choices/parenting until long after the actual application. Add in the fact that techniques must change as a child matures, and asking for/acting on outside input becomes a recipe for chaotic, inconsistent training - something that is definitely not good for most children. At what point is certain behavior normal and when does outside advice actually become useful. The most important skills a parent can develop are consistent behavior, standards, and consequences for both themselves and their child. That doesn't mean one can't change certain techniques - just that it be orderly, and the reasons clearly articulated to the child. Very tall order. Oh yes, then add in the very different learning styles and personality traits each child in a family may exhibit, and mix it up with each parents' teaching styles and personality traits. Multiple personality disorder? Not necessarily, but wisdom and self preservation dictate that a parent limit anymore cooks/kooks in the family kitchen. How does one choose parenting techniques then? Personal goals and values. Sort of a social mobius strip.

Now, going back to the values issue, first: every time a child witnesses a parent making a choice or acting on an issue, they absorb a values lesson. Parents who responded they didn't teach that skill were likely thinking of formal schooling practices. Based on what they observe, a young child will usually reflect back that behavior filtered through their own personality, in addition to their level of understanding and emotional maturity. Ask any ECS/kindergarten teacher to identify a child's family dynamics and values. Any teacher worth their salt will be able to tell you that clearly. Most very young children don't know how to dissemble, because they usually only know and act on the behaviors they have witnessed from their primary caregivers.

As a child integrates more and more with different social milieux, the more diluted the parenting impact becomes. Think of peer pressure in junior and senior high. Not much different than peer pressure in the workplace is it, and yet children are expected to resist social pressures that most adults cannot. If a parent has done a good job in the first four or five years of a child's life, if the social environments a child experiences after that time are wholly supportive, if there are no traumatic experiences, and if the child's unique personality can support and sustain the lessons learned in those first critical years, then the parents can be said to have been "successful". A couple of really useful books I read on the influence of the innate personality on development were "The Difficult Child" and, believe it or not, "Coffee, Tea or Me" a commentary written by a group of stewardesses who noticed that certain clusters of personality traits often let them know what occupation and social behavior was likely from any passenger they encountered - if nothing else, it was very entertaining. Anyway, I wonder how many other careers demand such high performance levels, yet have most of the variables for the outcome outside the worker's control.

It doesn't really matter what values a parent has, in our society someone is always going to find them at fault or wrong. The standards and expectations held out for children and their parents are often ones that few adults model consistently. Given the harshness with which parents are judged and the ambiguity/contradictions of community "standards" is it any wonder they don't want or seek outside input?

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