10:21 p.m. - 2002-11-16
Travel in Time
A couple of interesting dreams the past few nights.
The first seems to have an echo in it. It occurs at a country fair. I see myself as a young girl seated on a buckboard with the rest of the family. There is a flashback to when I was dressing up to go. Pink stockings - real pink. Seated in the buckboard I keep pulling back the hem of my white lawn dress to admire them. There are a couple of other rigs nearby full of our neighbours' families. My parents are passing the time of day with them. One must contain a "best" friend of mine, because we are signalling back and forth and giggling while trying not to be noticed by our parents. In the background, there is a row of stalls full of all sorts of enchanting wares. Behind that can be seen the ferris wheel and the other carnival rides. You can smell corn, fresh and yet other treats cooking. The dreaming me, taking over primary perception from the child me, looks at the buckboard and notes, "thank goodness I'm not pregnant". At that point perception shifts yet again and it appears that I am at the same position at the fair ground but maybe 20 years later. Now I am sitting in a surrey? with my spouse and our children. We are the ones passing the time of day with our friends while our children squirm in the back trying to avoid irritating us. An arena has been added and there are "modern facilities" available of which the child me would not have been aware.
The second dream has me as an actor in a traveling troupe that plays to school children. It seems we are just changing the playbill to present a new production. In the last one I was a frog - very green and cute. In this one my character is a lot more subtle. The costume is multi-shades of purple and appears to be meant to represent an elf or fairy, but that isn't the correct word exactly, I can't quite make out it's nature. A great deal of attention is being paid to the details of both the costume and the make-up (real gooey,yucky stuff). I comment that the look is too bold and needs softening. All at once, I am wrapped in a cloak that looks like the actual night sky. Surreal, since I can only be seen now if I choose it. We are working on our props in an upstairs room reached by a narrow, enclosed staircase. Everything is painted a stark white. All of a sudden, one of the other females in the troupe calls me to come downstairs. Outside, there is a woman wearing a herringbone jacket, with a poufy '50's style hairdo, sitting in a big old, top-down Cadillac. She is holding a piece of paper and looking triumphant. She waves it at us and says she has managed to get an injunction - again - to stop us from playing to this school. She did it on a technicality. She has been following this troupe around and harrassing them for nearly a year. The source of the trouble seems to be her objection to a cast of players of mixed races. She says it will corrupt the morals of the children to see us interact together. She especially does not want me in the group. I offer to withdraw. The cloak wraps itself around me and she cannot tell that I am still present.
My Dad came by today and we went to Inglewood - the first community in Calgary. It was built at the confluence of the Bow and Elbow rivers next to Fort Calgary, where the Northwest Mounted Police (RCMP) troop was stationed. It became a thriving settlement, complete with a "modern" hospital started with a donation from the Chinese community. When the railroad came through, some years later, land politics had the station located where the current downtown of Calgary is some 5 miles distant. Even so, the zoo is just a walk across the bridge, and there is a huge bird sanctuary on the banks of the river to the south, so it throve on its own merit. When the Stampede Grounds (Calgary's big rodeo, fair, and trade grounds) were built between it and the new downtown, it slowly declined and fell into disrepair. In the past twenty years it has slowly been revitalized. There is one of the most unique collections of stores on what was once its' main street - called Atlantic Avenue. These are all one of a kind boutiques and emporia. This is where revitalization began without changing the nature of the shops, and it makes for a great Saturday stroll. My Dad wanted to look through all the antique stores (there must be a dozen) so it was also a walk down memory lane.
One really cool Dad had brought his two young sons into one of the stores. Ostensibly, the boys thought they were each looking for a toy to purchase as a treat. Wily old Dad walked them through the exhibits, giving one of the best history lessons I have ever seen and heard. He always spoke at the children's level of understanding, but those babies didn't even realize they were being taught - they thought they were just having fun, laughing at the funny ways old people used to live. Great parenting.
There was a lot of very fine hand-crafted furniture and I could have admired it for hours. A lot of it looked like it came from estate sales and the accompanying set pieces were also on display. You know, lamps, china, glassware, tapestry, and art of the period. Some was local, but there were a lot of really nice pieces from the UK too. One shop had a proper Scottish sporran tacked up by the door. It was crafted in the traditional way, but was lacking the bit of rabbit's fur usually lining the purse - for good luck. My Dad and the shop owner were razzing me about it - seemed to think it was only a McKean (Mom's Mom) practice. Never mind.
We popped into Dad's store for a bit, since he had a couple of things to do, then we headed out for lunch. Peter's Drive-in is THE hamburger joint in Calgary. Everything made fresh, with only the best quality ingredients, same price as the competitors. My Dad looks after their 8 order speakers. He says they are good for about 150,000 transactions each; they usually burn out within 18 months. You do the math. My tummy is really bothering me, so I just had a rum and butter milkshake. So creamy and thick it was almost impossible to use a straw.
We were sitting and watching the flow of visitors when a wedding party went by. Dad looked at me side-long and commented on it. Now you need to know that my Mom was famous for a few things. One of them was her lists. Before she died, I'm pretty sure she made a list of tasks my Dad had to do before he was allowed to join her. He's referred to something like that a couple of times - things like, "get to know each one of your grandchildren well". I also think she had "make sure she is happily remarried" on it for me. Now given what I have written earlier, my Dad is between a rock and a hard place. Nothing gets my back up faster than someone trying to match make. The dumbest thing I heard, over and over, when the boys Dad first left was "take him back, you need a man so the boys have a male role model" Alright, everyone hands up who would choose an alcoholic and a junkie for a role model for their child. Exactly. The next theme was "stand by your man". You want to live through that kind of abuse send me your address; I'll send him right over to live with you. The next comment was always, well then, you need to find someone else quick for you and for your sons' sake - you can't survive without a man. Well, first of all, I'm not willing to marry some poor soul for his wallet. I never asked for or received welfare; I managed on whatever I earned. Secondly, my sons had some phenomenal role models through their male teachers, all being masculine in their own way but all very different in their self-expression. Because I had done so much volunteer work for the schools, a lot of them went out of their way to spend time with my sons. In addition, a lot of the older boys' friends fathers took them under their wings and included my guys in father-son outings. Not always ones that I would have chosen (like deer hunting), but it was the modelling that mattered. Finally, there were the men in my own family, and their friends, who were as good as one could ask for as role models. I didn't neuter or castrate my sons because of their father, I tried to find them a better way to explore their gender.
Even so, I have been pressured and paraded (not with my consent mind you) by people I would never have thought, all with a mind to matchmake - all in my best interest, of course. Two weeks after the boys' Dad left, even though I'd only told one person, I was all of a sudden getting calls for dates and receiving stuff from a matchmaker outfit, both in the mail and later by e-mail. I'd find myself at some function only to realize I was supposed to be there as someone's blind date or to be introduced to someone, even though I hadn't been asked if I was interested. One of my supervisors at one place I worked tried to force me into a relationship with a co-worker "because she was my boss and knew what was best for me". She blew sky high when I refused to get involved; said it was part of my job description. I won't even go there. One "friend" expected me to be available to round out numbers at her dinner parties - I shouldn't be so choosy you know. Makes me cranky. There are a couple of single guys I've met over the past ten years who would be ok if they showed interest. There are a couple of married men I wish weren't married, but they are, so they are off limits, but maybe there's a twin somewhere. All of these are people I've had a chance to observe for a long, long time under a lot of different circumstances. As I've noted before I don't trust my own judgement about men and I'm basically afraid of them. All the pressure to meet someone else's idea(l) of an acceptable lifestyle, including my Mom's, just makes me more resistant to the idea. I am acceptable just as I am. If someone thinks otherwise - and that is the message I get from would be matchmakers - I don't want them in my life. That being said, I know my Dad loved being married and misses my Mom terribly. He just wants to see me as happy as he was. He and my Mom were very lucky to have each other, but I think their relationship was very special - I just don't see that in my future. I would rather my Dad just supported me emotionally in building a life where I feel secure and safe - that's all I really want.
�
�
