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10:42 p.m. - 2002-11-14
Perceptions
There isn't a male involved in ANY aspect of my personal or work life who hasn't passed my own stringent, although admittedly arcane test for being trustworthy and for making me feel safe. The last few years with my ex were so frightening, that if a male makes me feel even a little bit uncomfortable, I simply do not relate to him. Period. I realize that that is somewhat of a handicap in a lot of ways, but for my own mental health I promised myself when I finally could get out of the marriage, that I would never let anyone do that to me again. It's not males in general I don't trust as much as it is my own judgement about them. With females it is different because they don't affect me on an emotional level like males do. I feel very comfortable that I can get their measure. That doesn't mean that I believe there are no evil women. I know better, but after all, I'm a girl too and I know how to protect my emotions where other females are concerned, even if I can't always protect myself in more pragmatic ways.

That being said the criteria for feeling safe varies from person to person. For example, I have very different expectations when it comes to my doctors than I do with co-workers because the context is different. For all the males I've made/allowed a place in my world I have an unconditional respect and affection - I view them in the same way I view my sons.

But there are still some gender specific attitudes that leave me foxed. For example, I have been involuntarily off work for nearly three weeks now - to me that signifies being unemployed. It is causing me major stress right now and I've had to up my one med as a result today. Why? No money coming in, the bank account dwindling, and three birthdays and Christmas coming up. Time at home is not restful when the prospect of another punishing Christmas with no money is looming; there were just too many of those when the boys were little and it's the one time I hate feeling so locked out of the society I live in. However, when I mention it to any of the males in my life, the response is always - well you've been sick and you haven't taken a break in years so relax and enjoy the time off. Yeah right! The only positive during this last sick period has been that I haven't had to worry about paying the bills. Nothing stresses/makes me sick to my stomach more than not being able to do that.

No one would say that to a man who had a family to support on his own. I don't know if there is an assumption that my ex is helping out financially - $200/month when he condescended to pay anything didn't go very far with six boys and I'm still trying to catch up - or that I am somehow immune to the stress of doing without all the time. It's even been implied that perhaps being a single mom means I'm not worthy of any better and that I shouldn't get notions above my appointed station in life. I'm not asking anything from anyone other than respect and a little emotional support. I don't want their money because I don't want to ever be in debt again. So when I express a concern about not working why am I getting that old "there, there dear don't worry your little head about it."?

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