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1:20 a.m. - 2002-10-28
Wishing Well
I had lunch with one of my favorite co-volunteers/friends today. We both worked very hard together on issues to do with education, children, youth or families. She was my counterpart in the separate (Roman Catholic)school system; I haunted the public board. We teamed up on a regular basis since children have the same basic needs regardless of faith.

She had sounded really down and stressed whenever I had phoned her in the past couple of months. She finally had admitted there was something wrong when I commented that she was unlike her normal cheery self in our last conversation. We were finally able to find a time today when we both could just sit and talk - lunching made it even better. We went to the new Vietnamese restaurant in our community. The owner popped by to ask how my Dad was and gave us special attention - that was very nice.

My friend said she felt as if every aspect of her life was unravelling. When we examined what that meant for her it appeared that three things were key stressors. The other issues had been ongoing for a long time but were exacerbated by these new challenges.

Number one issue is that she is being "packaged" by the bank she has worked for for over 25 years along with everyone else in that department. She was offered other work, but she felt the direction the bank was taking was something she couldn't support. Like the industry I work in, she feels the majority of staff in it are selfish and self absorbed. The bank scandal I wrote about some time back is only the tip of the iceberg. She detests the lack of customer care and the emphasis on the bottom line at all costs and she is disgusted with the way banks now treat their staff. There is no respect for the work they do. No loyalty or trust either way. She actually came to the conclusion, while we talking, that she was happy to be out of that atmosphere, but after 25 years in one job looking for something new is very frightening/intimidating. A lot of people she knows who were packaged a year or two ago still haven't found work. I suggested that might be because they were insisting they be given exactly the same or better circumstances in their next job - something that doesn't exist anymore. I talked about the job market as I have experienced it the past 10 years. I haven't been out of work as a contract or consultant for more than a week or two unless I chose otherwise. That seemed to make her more comfortable. As with most volunteers, she has acquired considerably more skills and experience than her formal education would indicate. There is more respect for that practical education now by employers than in the past. When we discussed what she might like to choose from in the future a lot of opportunities and options came to light.

The second issue driving her crazy was with respect to her faith. She is a lay nun in the Catholic church. I don't really understand what that means, but in terms of expectations it appears that she is being tapped out by a priesthood and a congregation who somehow feel she owes them whatever they demand no matter how unreasonable. That's often the case in any volunteer position; giving time freely seems to make people think everything and anything they want should be accommodated. From personal experience I know that some people become quite abusive when boundaries are set or limits are placed on time or services. Right now, the worst offender is the priest of the parish she belongs to. Saying no to him in a system that is still rigidly patriarchal - her observation - is very intimidating even though she is no wilting violet. She finally switched to another parish. The priest has been harassing her - my observation- since. He hadn't realized how much of his responsibilities she had been carrying and he is demanding she return. I'm guessing that her absence has been very noticeable to the rest of the congregation and some very uncomfortable questions are being raised as big gaps are noticed in the fabric of their community's life. I have a couple of other friends in other parishes who have experienced the same treatment so I don't think that my friend's perceptions are out of whack at all. She is also very distressed by all the revelations of the weaknesses in her church that have been exposed by the courts and the press. I'm not certain that it was the most tactful thing for me to say, but I just noted that there isn't a lot of difference between one formalized religious institution or another. They are all created and run by human beings and therefore, all are subject to the same behavior. Not a comfortable observation maybe, but well documented across all faith systems again by the courts and the press.

The final issue was with respect to her 20 year old child. That one was almost identical to one of my son's issues right now so we just discussed parenting for young adults. Someone needs to write a book or set up a parent coucil for those of us trying to muddle through such a touchy area. Bottom line is that it is just like letting our children learn to walk, ride a bike, or drive a car. It's all stuff only the child can do for itself but as the risks and the consequences become greater and the damage more serious or permanennt the harder it is to wait for the lessons to be absorbed.

The conclusion was a nice one. She has accepted that she has the right and the responsibility to take some time for herself to work things through. After all, you can only go to the well so often before it is tapped out or contaminated. She needs time to refill and re-energize.

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