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11:18 p.m. - 2002-09-22
Alpha and Omega
Deaths and endings seem to come in clusters don't they?

In the past two weeks 3 in the family - not the immediate or among siblings but the next ring of those close with another 2 not in very good shape. Three of my Dad's buddies from childhood too. Add in my son's breakup with his partner and things have been very emotional.

Now I went through a near death experience when I was 19 -haemorrhaged. The doctors told my family going into surgery, that they weren't sure it was possible to save me. At the time, I was busy conferring with my grandmothers, both of whom were already dead. They wanted me to join them. My Scots Grandma had even brought along a piper in full regalia to pipe me over the water with proper ceremony. And yes there is a river, but I recall it as a stream of gold/white light that cleansed and healed the soul. What I saw and heard then has been pivotal to the rest of my life. It has guided my choices ever since. It has always been a point of reference when things have been very bad or overwhelming. Death is not to be feared although it is also not to be sought. EVERYONE here has a purpose.

However, the grief and trauma of surviving family members is real and they need to be cared for. In our immediate family, it is our practice to make the final preparations for ourselves. Saves family, who are traumatized already, from trying to cope with making critical decisions. It also heads off a lot of conflicts that can flare out of control when emotions are so high and when grief says and does things that would not occur otherwise.

My Dad's response to all of this was to want to complete all his arrangements now. He wants me to be responsible for his personal directives. That includes making all the arrangements if he needs a nursing home or palliative care. Tending to the end of life choices. I know I will cope better, when the time comes, if I have something useful to do but it is a little overwhelming to think about it on days like today. Will I have the patience and tact necessary to deal with my siblings - I imagine I will, my Dad seems to think so.

Dealing with my son's grief has been equally as challenging. In part, he is reliving his Dad's desertion and it amplifies the loss of his partner. I think grief is the same in endings as in death. As something ends there is denial and anger. Then there is a period where people try to bargain with a fate they don't want and aren't willing to acknowledge. It was a common and predictable pattern that I saw every day when I worked in the hospital. Families dealing with death, individuals dealing with the loss of a limb or paralysis. Something that forced them to change their whole life against their will. It is a testing and a forging and there is no way out but through it all. It isn't a kindness to help someone stay in denial. It is very destructive to foster anger and there is no bargaining. The difficulty is to find the balance so that you can provide support without becoming a crutch or a doormat, but so that you also don't prolong that period of grieving beyond healthy limits.

Maybe that is why societies have hung on to such elaborate rituals around the rites of passage in life. Maybe that is why the seasonal celebrations like Thanksgiving and Easter hold such powerful places each year in our lives despite our self described sophistication and cynicism. Rites of passage provide safe outlets for our emotions but also set boundaries for them too. Seasonal celebrations speak to us on a profound level about beginnings and endings. Alpha and Omega.

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