8:52 p.m. - 2002-09-15
Women Are From Venus, Men Are ....
I'm the oldest of five siblings. My three sisters and I were born within a four year period. My brother was born a few years later. My place in the family could be described as Mom #2.
When I was with my sisters when I was small, I took the role of the director of the "play". We were usually dressing up and acting out what we had observed the adults around us doing or what we saw on TV. In my mind, I was keeping my sisters busy and helping to teach them how to behave. My brother was a bonus when he arrived on the scene because he could represent any role that we didn't understand or didn't want to be. All he had to do was sit in his carriage or crawl around looking adorable. Gender issues never arose because he was so small.
When I actually wanted to play, I went out to see who was outside on my block which was as far as I was allowed to go. Most of the kids my age were boys and that suited me just fine. I was just a little bit of a tomboy so running, climbing, swimming, and exploring were my favorite pastimes. The only thing that I couldn't figure out was why the boys acted the way they did. You know, scrapping and rough-housing all of a sudden for no apparent reason. Who needs a bloody nose? I was so perplexed by this that I usually spent part of my prayer time asking for an older brother - someone I could observe and who could explain it all to me. It was a long time before it sank in that that wasn't possible. By the time I was ten I gave up - books and school were much more interesting anyway.
However, the Almighty has a wry sense of humour when it comes to answering prayers and I did get what I prayed for - sort of. Twenty years of marriage and six sons. You'd think by now that I'd have figured it out, but on days like the last few I've had I've come to the conclusion I'm none the wiser.
My Dad and I went out today - just for groceries and lunch. During lunch, I was explaining all that was going on at work. I couldn't go in to company specifics because that would be a violation of trust, but I could describe the patterns of behavior I was observing. The industry I work in is one he knows well both in terms of its practices and in terms of its leaders. He grew up with them. He had no doubt about the things I said I was witnessing - much of it has been the common practice for decades. It is a rough trade. I touched on my frustration with not being able to effectively convey my concerns to my supervisor.
The conversation shifted to my son's breakup with his girlfriend. Now I love my son without reservation and I know how hurt he is, but I also understand why his girlfriend made the choice she did. I have watched as she has tried to explain her concerns to him for months. It didn't seem to matter how she phrased it, my son would show her he cared for her in every way except to take what she said seriously. He would just try to talk around it until she agreed to accept his take on the issue or gave up. I think she felt this was the only way she would get through to him. Since d-day I have been trying to explain her point of view to him. He acknowledges that that is exactly what she has been saying but that it isn't the way he wants to interpret it. I raised the issue because I was hoping my Dad would have some ideas on how to get through to him. Also, in a lot of ways, even though my son's is a personal relationship and mine is a work relationship, I've felt that the communication problems/patterns were the same in both and so maybe I could learn better ways to communicate with my supervisor at the same time. In addition, the outcomes were also very nearly the same this week. I came very close to quitting not because I wanted to, but because I don't feel there is any respect for what I have to say even though I know I am valued for my technical skills. It is that expertise that is driving the concerns I am trying to raise.
As we were talking about my son's problems my Dad said - yeah, he and my Mom had broken up several times before they had finally married (I knew that) and it wasn't until he finally learned to accept her mood swings - PMS you know - that they finally worked it out. All I can say is that it is lucky my Mom wasn't present then. He would have been in BIG trouble. It has nothing to do with PMS in any of the cases. It has to do with respecting that the other person has the right to expect to have their concerns taken as seriously as theirs.
Oh well, I think I'll go back to trying to understand the principles of artificial intelligence (Godel, Escher, and Bach was a great read) or how to work with the time space convergence theories. Those make sense.
�
�
