1:20 a.m. - 2002-09-13
Parenting 101
I used to try to attend parent council meetings at all my sons schools so that I would know what was going on in my sons' lives. Schools have our children for a significant part of their day and, as a parent, I didn't think I could do my best job if I didn't know who and what they were dealing with.
It was the best investment of my time. Not only did it give me the insight I needed, but I spent time with other parents who were dealing with the same issues. Problem solving became a lot easier when you could come away with four or five different ways to handle a situation. Pick and choose what works for your child and your family. It's all about being able to look at a situation from a lot of angles instead of being stuck with one perspective because that's all you've ever experienced.
When all the boys were in school at the same time it meant I would be at one meeting where the biggest angst was around potty training and ABCs. Hit the next meeting at a Junior High and the talk was of how to teach your child the morals and ethics you valued when there were so many outside influences pulling the child in so many directions. Suddenly potty training didn't seem so bad. Then at the Senior High the talk was of the application of one's values. What do you do when they are starting to make their own choices about sex, drugs, and all the other issues that make parents wish their child was 2 again. Suddenly the answers for the angst at the Junior High meeting are a lot clearer. In the end it is all relative and it's lucky our children grow up slow enough that we have the time to try and figure some of this stuff out.
If a 2 year old tests your patience because they are so curious and active think about what a fourteen year old does when they catch you telling them one thing then doing another or when a 19 year old comes back with a choice you simply can't accept but must. You know, like choosing to move in with friends you know are going to hurt them or put them at risk.
Some of my sons are young adults now and I really wish there were parent councils for dealing with their issues in the school of life. It is really tough to try and help your young adult through a relationship breakup, a betrayal of trust, a work crisis when you can't pick them up and cuddle them anymore or when you can't just make the decision for them or at least have some input into the situation. It's not about letting go as much as it is trying to protect them from being hurt. You know there is no way you can stop that, but how do you respect their autonomy and provide the support or reflection they need without treading on their toes. Tough balancing act.
One of my guys is going through a breakup with a young lady he has dated for three years and he is devastated. He's too big to hold on my lap and I can't be fair to him if I say it will work out, or it will be all better when I know that things don't always come out like in the storybook. How do you find the words to tell them so without discouraging them. How do you find the words to help them find the strength within when there is no other place to draw from. Some things just can't be changed and some times you can't find a way to make it better. How do you instill hope.
I guess I could ask my Dad but I think he's still struggling with those questions too. The truth, of course, is that even when your children are in middle age there are going to be tough days as a parent. I guess you just learn to accept that all you can to is be there and be listening. I guess you learn to treat your children as you treat your friends. Some day if you're lucky maybe you even learn to treat yourself the same way. I think I'll ask my Dad about that.
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